i love you...

Alan, alan, alan...
You are a fool...
I guess that's how i feel right now...
If ever things were like before last saturday, when i've already shut out all the expectations that i once had...after all, i have come to expect nothing from her prior to saturday... Unless, one counts those trips to the starhub centre and the weekend meetings as fufilling my expectations... Ok, it's me, being me, wanting to go down there. I couldn't control myself...
After all, i've enjoyd doing all these little things for her, and i am happy whenever she's happy...

I don't expect her to call me :)
I don't expect her to ask me out :)
I don't expect her to sms me :)

Why must i be such a fool to start expecting then?

Cos i've done sweet things for her?
Cos i've already express my love?
But love is not about equality.

Really foolish... Simply because, i felt that i've done what can be done? Maybe i am expecting too much :p
Is there anything still left undone? Maybe it's not about doing things then, granted feelings must be mutual in the end.

What is she expecting then?
What is she expecting then?
What is she unsure about?

Maybe she isn't ready yet, and maybe she' s still unsure...
Maybe i should just keep my expectations at the zero level, which i did for the huge part of july till september... So it's not going to be what i had wish for or visualize, but i just enjoyed looking at her this way...

The way she looks...
when she closes her eyes,
when she shakes her head,
when she smiles,
when she gives her mischievous answers...

I love you...
I still love you...
and yet I will not want you to be unhappy, rushed or unsure...
When will you start to love me back?
I will be waiting, no matter how long it takes...

Steady...

Guys n gals...

Wish me luck...
Wish that it will take off!
:p

The conversation between Alan & Xtra09

Alan(A): This time, i am really dead, i am losing my grip on the 5 modules, i've taken this sem...

Xtra09(X): Dun worry dude, i am sure you can do it... You've been doing it for the past 4 sems anyway

A: As if i could... 6 weeks gone n i haven even done a single thing yet... By the way i felt so happy when i stepped into changkat today on my way to tuition today... Happy and released...

X: Then go Changkat!

A: Unfortunately...i have a lot on my hands... I dun even think i can play ball this week anymore other than sunday... I really wan my old life back... 4 days of basketball per week

X: But time's up to you to manage anyway... It has always been you who said that! So what's the problem now...

A: I seriously think i m gone...unless, i m back at tampines n changkat i guess...

X: Alan...u r a loser...

A: I seriously hope i m not... but sometimes, cant help feeling like that...no doubts, my expections for me has always been very high... I cant afford to falter... It's been a long long time since i last faltered, i m afraid i simply haven't had enough in me to overcome disappointments and failed expectations...

X: Why can't you be like me?

A: Back when i am happy go lucky and xtra as before?

X: yah!

A: I m afraid i m losing that part of me...i m really afraid...

X: Pick yourself up then... There's no time to lose...

A: i shall pick myself up... But one thing remains...I will be pissed when i cant meet my expectations...

X: As you wish...Pissed doesn't mean you can do anything about it other than accepting it...

A: *shrugs*

X: *laughs*

PS: Alan was always the more serious character than the ever funny n xtra XTRA09... However, Mr Yap has nowadays been forgetting about his Xtra09...lately...and letting the doom and gloomy ALan taking over his life n perceptions... A balance of both is always the best...

End of a chapter in life...

This is my final night blogging in my Tampines home...

Blk 138
Tampines Street 11
#03-120
Singapore 521138

Hasn't really got the time to walk Tampines one more time... These are some of the places that i will definitely miss... in order of the geographical distances from my place...

1. The Kopitiam: The Place where my weekends were spent... Beer, kopi, soccer and talk cock sessions...Wonderful place to while the night away. Company, is many a time, just a call away... Tampines Best Bah Chor Mee is also available here...only at night though :p

2. The Market: The old market is still undergoing the necessary renovations... Meanwhile the temporary market was simply not good enough... Though i will remember i spent the night together with Mr Yang yesterday...

3. Changkat CC: The home away from home... The timings are so regulated that you don't even have to call anyone if you need to play ball... Everybody just turns up when the time arrives... Was an excellent place for police and thief too... And also for some playing card activities... Ended my status as a resident of Tampines with a brilliant 3 point shot today...

4. Blk 934: This had become a favorite place of mine over the past few years... Whenever i walked past this place over the past few years, the heart will always be beating very fast.."Will i get to see her?" Haha....Nowadays, glad to have the chance to accompany home though...

5. Blk 933: My aunt's place, and also a home away from home... Once of the most relaxing place i will be at to simply unwind or do some serious thinking... Also a perfect place to be at while passing by Blk 934 ;P!!!

6. Ngee Ann Secondary: The greatest secondary school of all time... Place where i met a few of my best friends... Characters like YYL & CZY were integral parts of my life no doubts... Gleague, and the basketball team, and the Ngee Ann Derby... Whenever i stepped into Ngee Ann, overwhelming feelings would definitely be felt... So long Ngee Ann...

7. Study Corner under the void deck beside Tampines Mart: Best place to study.... Always a lot of things to keep me entertained other than the mundane books...Spent my O levels, A Levels, as well as my NUS studies there... Best...There's a mac there as well... I will always be armed with a big gulp and also the new paper to battle the boredom of books over there...

8. Tampines Mall: A place where 2 pieces of memories stood ouyt especially... The movies " Armageddon" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" are the 2 of the most wonderful memories... And of course the once popular bubble tea shop that is now defunct...

Alas, all good things have to come to an end though, and this chapter of my life in Tampines has come to a temporarily closure... I will be back... I shall be back...

Think It's a good day today...

Ok...I think today is a good day.

Was at the foundation office for some tying up for the art exhibition. The exhibition was an event that make me see myself thoroughly as an individual. I am a really bad person i guess. Didn't really put in my maximum effort towards that and PJ was so inclined to do her best there. However, one thing i am sure, i was already too drained to do anything constructive there and then at teh exhibition itself. Morale was damn low then... One sentence sums it all...for me. If i loses the passion for something, it really seems hard for me to motivate myself. Had been slacking in the area of studies though...

Pj was with me today at the foundation office. I am glad that both her and eddy had turn the event to be a successful one. I guess without the 2 of them, the project might had jus crumbled.

Anyway, had a great afternoon with pj, talked abt almost everything under the sun. Anyway got some philosophical quotes from her other than her "有缘 无需 刻意". The most notable one was definitely "never believe in second chances,for one chance lost is a chance lost forever. " I shall remember this quote. Nothing i can do, i perceived then, when there could be something i could have done. ;P

But then again...Who knows? I just got a 2nd chance after 3 years. Strange how fate works..Really strange... It's now really very very hard to visualise what the future holds...

Ps:Just had a Great Discussion with alex...Phew...at least we manage to finish the econometrics tutorial finally. Now, I had to give my time to Emotions & Social Life & Social Work.

Reignited...

Sometimes when basketball doesn't perform the trick...
Economics Does...
Unbelivable?

For the past 3 weeks also, yours truly wasn't really in a condition to attend school and to engage in some truly intellectual analysis or discussion or whatsoever. Tired...Fatigue, and a severe lack of focus were the main reasons. Seem to be disillusioned and totally UNINTERESTED in almost anything except Ms Tan...
ok... Dunno what to do actually. But seriously, fatigue is the main reason... No doubts... Didn't even play basketball much also...

Week 4...
Unbelivable. 2 tutorials within this week somehow or rather ignited my passion for some truly absorbing thinkings and the analytical inquring mind was at work again! I am not saying this is the return of some brilliant guy or what. Nope... The point i wanted to bring across, is at least, i am focusing on the my studies, or if you wish to put it, something i really like, once more. Just took some Public Finance and Econometrics 2 questions to reignite the biological engine again. UNBELIVABLE. It's going to be a tough old route from now on definitely, but at least...
I am finally awake from the slumber...

Enough of all these nonsense...

Enough of all these nonsense...
i shall fight n fight n fight...
i will not allow my hard work in the past 4 semsters to go down to the drain...
Definitely not...
In a very defiant mode now...
I shall not fail, i will not fail, n i m not going to fail...

It's now time to concentrate n to focus... Anything less than a 4 will be deemed UNACCEPTABLE

Enough said...