Smile, Alan, Smile
It's been almost a wekk since i last blogged. It's had been a physically and emotionally draining week. Work, Y4C, tuitions and research had taken a toil on me. On the emotional side, a gal and mother was always there to occupy my almost lifeless mind...
The week's had been very difficult for me. Trying hard, and giving up almost all kind of activities was extremely hard and i was simply not used to it... The smile and laughter was seldom there and not as forthcoming as before. I want my old life back, and yet as Derek says, "It's quite impossible." Is it really impossible? Maybe... Am i pushing myself too hard on the academic side as well as the in the people that i deal with? Maybe too...
I was quite worried for my mum, initially. Can she cope with it, if there is really a relapse? She put on a brave front, as i can see. We had all wanted to be there for her, but as certain things go, she still had to face certain things on her own. If fate has it, there's really no escaping from it.
On the emotional side of my life, i think i've been trying, but as i know and all of you out there know, certain things can't be rushed... Was glad again to meet up with her again after missing out on the mrt station on Tuesday. I thought things were slightly better then. I really think so...
I think i am really insecure now, as the to what the future holds. Giving up the Economic Research Job seems the best option, logically speaking. However, it also means that i had gave up a golden opportunity to really pursue what i always wanted. However, i've already committed myself to another year of mentoring, and it would be extremely unfair to pull out now... as i feel. I am giving up my research job. I know that i simply don't possess the ability to pull out any reports during term time at a short notice. I will have to talk to Daniel about it... I really don't have much of a choice, and i really hope he understands...I really know i can't do it.
Perhaps, over the past few weeks, with so much things looming, i had already started the path on self doubting my own abilities. Never in my whole of 23 years of life, did i really felt that i had absolutely no time on my hands... I simply don't have time for anything. And i know i am definitely not happy and in my own usual self. I knew it. The insecurity that had been shroudding me just seem to has grown even more... Yes, i am insecure, about almost everything... I knew that if i gave my best, there's already nothing i can do. Yet i simply don't like the sinking feeling that accompanys when i couldn't do something well... That's insecurity for you... I simply think too much...
The week's had been very difficult for me. Trying hard, and giving up almost all kind of activities was extremely hard and i was simply not used to it... The smile and laughter was seldom there and not as forthcoming as before. I want my old life back, and yet as Derek says, "It's quite impossible." Is it really impossible? Maybe... Am i pushing myself too hard on the academic side as well as the in the people that i deal with? Maybe too...
I was quite worried for my mum, initially. Can she cope with it, if there is really a relapse? She put on a brave front, as i can see. We had all wanted to be there for her, but as certain things go, she still had to face certain things on her own. If fate has it, there's really no escaping from it.
On the emotional side of my life, i think i've been trying, but as i know and all of you out there know, certain things can't be rushed... Was glad again to meet up with her again after missing out on the mrt station on Tuesday. I thought things were slightly better then. I really think so...
I think i am really insecure now, as the to what the future holds. Giving up the Economic Research Job seems the best option, logically speaking. However, it also means that i had gave up a golden opportunity to really pursue what i always wanted. However, i've already committed myself to another year of mentoring, and it would be extremely unfair to pull out now... as i feel. I am giving up my research job. I know that i simply don't possess the ability to pull out any reports during term time at a short notice. I will have to talk to Daniel about it... I really don't have much of a choice, and i really hope he understands...I really know i can't do it.
Perhaps, over the past few weeks, with so much things looming, i had already started the path on self doubting my own abilities. Never in my whole of 23 years of life, did i really felt that i had absolutely no time on my hands... I simply don't have time for anything. And i know i am definitely not happy and in my own usual self. I knew it. The insecurity that had been shroudding me just seem to has grown even more... Yes, i am insecure, about almost everything... I knew that if i gave my best, there's already nothing i can do. Yet i simply don't like the sinking feeling that accompanys when i couldn't do something well... That's insecurity for you... I simply think too much...
posted by xtra_09 @ 12:19 AM
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